The Other Half of My Heart
by Ninianna
Summary: Snape loved Lily, and so did James, but who truly had her heart?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ok, so not totally original, more to come. I always wondered if maybe Lily loved Severus back, even if she also loved James. Plus I wanted to see how James treated Snape when they were alone. So I set them loose, let's see where they go! R&R please, tell me what I can do to make it better!**

He kissed her.

Her mouth was suddenly overfilled with sensation. Sweet, and warm, hot, cold, welcoming, exciting, soothing. Nothing felt normal, but everything felt right. She tried to collect herself, but she realized she couldn't feel the rest of her. It was as if the whole world was centered between her lips and his. She was certain that if he asked her what her name was, she wouldn't be able to answer. His name would float to her mouth, because he was her whole world.

***

He couldn't help himself. When he looked at her, he couldn't help but wonder what she would feel like in his arms, what her lips would taste like, what her eyes would say when he looked into them. So he kissed her. And nothing he imagined could compare. His world blew apart, being held together only by her, her name, her scent, her lips, her heartbeat. He knew he would never be the same. And he knew that the only reason he would pull their lips away from each other, where they fit so perfectly, would be to see her eyes, and the stars shining through the window reflected in them. Her beautiful emerald eyes.

***

"Mr. Potter, Miss Evans, do you mind explaining why you two are…congregated…in my corridor?"

They flung out of each other's arms, shocked. Watching them was the potions teacher, Professor Slughorn. Lily felt a magnificent blush erupt on her face, and she tried to stutter out an answer to the kindly man. "Er…um…well…I-it's…well-"

"I'm sorry, sir, we didn't know that you were there." James broke in with an easy grace. Slughorn chuckled. Even though Lily had known that the professor was joking, and that he didn't actually mind them being there, she was incredibly embarrassed.

"Erm, I'm sorry sir, and um, I'll just be going," She made to leave, but James grabbed her arm lightly and chatted a little with Slughorn, not even slightly mortified.

Eventually the Potions Master left and they were alone again in the deserted corridor.

She tried to leave again, but he tightened his grip and looked at her. "You're going to leave me that easy?"

She sighed and corrected him, "I'm not leaving you, James. _I'm_ going to our common room to work on _homework_ assigned by the teacher who interrupted you _kissing_ me." She tried for a glare, but couldn't muster up the will to be angry at him.

He looked affronted. "_I_…kissed _you_? It takes two to snog, love."

Suddenly she found the will. "What?! First off, I wasn't _snogging_ you. Second, don't call me love!" She stormed off. And then realized he could just follow her. Even if she got in the portrait hole to the common room first, he knew the password. Lovely.

Coming up behind her, he said, "What do you call what just happened then?"

She glanced at him, and then looked down at her feet. She felt her face settle into a mask she didn't recognize. She whispered, "A mistake."

And then she ran.

***

James stood there, flabbergasted, watching her red hair dance out of sight. She had just turned his world upside down, with a single kiss, insulted him, and then run away. He sighed, and began his walk up to the dormitory. When he rounded the final corner, he saw someone he really didn't want to see.

***

"You!" Severus looked up to see the boy who had made his life hell since the moment he stepped foot on Platform 9 ¾. This was another thing he really didn't need that night.

"Me." Even to Snape, who didn't know him very well, this was a sound of defeat. Then he saw the Rose Petal Pink lipstick on his mouth.

Snape was not a connoisseur of lipstick, or any other type of cosmetic, but he would know that exact shade of Pink from millions of other shades. Billions. He had spent everyday since fifth year memorizing every detail of the girl who wore that color.

In an instant, he stood ramrod straight, his wand in his hand and pointed at the poisonous Gryffindor in front of him. He was shaking; not with fear, but with anger. The _git_, the spoiled little _child_, had the nerve to look at him as if he was insane.

"Snivelly? We know you're not so good with the wand…why don't you put it away?

"You kissed her! You prat!" He was barely controlling himself now, feeling the shred of control falling apart…any second now…

Then he saw James' face. It had emptied of color, and it was in pain. Snape was shocked. He had expected the git to look as if he had won the Quidditch cup; he had thought Potter's face would boast to him that the girl of his dreams had chosen Potter. But it didn't. Instead, it was an expression Snape was familiar with. Pain.

"Yeah. Now leave me alone." James turned to go, trying to hide his expression. But Snape was too quick for him.

"Wait!" Why did Potter look like that?

"What Snape? What's your problem?"

"You. Usually."

"Thank you." _Another_ fine compliment to add to tonight's collection.

"What…?" He knew he would regret asking. Potter would tell him, and he would break as if in two. Again.

"You can feel better, she told me…" What had she told him, really? It didn't matter anyway.

"Oh." Snape was relieved. But also…sympathetic?

James saw the expression in the Slytherin's eyes and refused to acknowledge it. Instead he hurled an insult at the boy.

"Look Snivelly, maybe she'd kiss you too if you'd wash your bloody hair…No, not even then." He turned on his heels and walked to the entrance, not even sparing a glance at the lost-looking boy behind him. He hurried through the opening, too quickly to see the tear slide down the boy's face. Too quickly to hear the whispered, "I know."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Mostly fluff with not much dialogue, and pretty short, but also really important to the story! I had fun writing it, remember to R&R!**

*******

Three days after their interrupted interlude in the corridor, Lily was still a mess. She looked up from the Transfiguration book she was reading, to see the familiar, yet dreaded, black hair. Messy as usual, and windblown from Quidditch practice, she supposed. He was sitting in the corner of the common room, on one of the armchairs that were usually reserved for the older students, the seventh years, yet inhabited now by four sixth years, James and his friends. She observed them over the top of her book.

James was looking unusually solemnly into the fire. She memorized his features again, the messy black hair, the sharply shaped face, the athletic build, the bright hazel eyes… She shook herself, and moved on. His best friend Sirius Black sat next to him joking with Remus Lupin, her fellow prefect. Both boys were tall and lean; Sirius with a touch of muscle, Remus with a touch of gauntness. Lily worried over Remus, he always seemed sickly. Sirius, however, did not need or want to be worried after. Her eyes slid to the fourth member of the group, the tiny mouse-like Peter Pettigrew. Peter was a strange little boy, almost always nervous. It seemed strange to her that boys like Sirius and James would be friends with the gaunt, pale and sickly Remus, and the strange, timid Peter.

Suddenly another boy sprang in her mind and she almost sighed. Severus. He was always near the forefront of her mind, so it wasn't shocking. They had been friends since they were eleven, yet sometimes it seemed as if she didn't know him at all. Almost without thinking, she saw James and Sev side by side, and she compared them.

It was obvious which one was preferred by her fellow classmates, but she couldn't discount the other. Severus was…darker. He had a side that sometimes seemed to have been born in him, and sometimes seemed to have been a choice. Every time she saw that, she wanted to run. She wanted to get as far away as possible, but then she would berate herself. _You are a Gryffindor. And he is your friend._ And she knew she couldn't leave.

"Lily."

She was startled out of her thoughts. "I-what?" Looking up she saw _him. _James.

"You look as if you're thinking of throwing the book at me, you're staring so hard." He chuckled; again he was totally at ease. "I was afraid you were going to leave a dent in my head."

"It could only be an improvement," she said.

"Ouch. That hurt," he said mockingly.

"Uh-huh. Well, I'll be seeing you then." Lily tried to gather the books on the table in front of her, but he held them down and frowned at her.

"What is your problem with me?" he demanded.

"I...it's…nothing, James. Leave me alone." She tore her books out from under his hand and almost ran up the stairs.

***

That night, sitting in her bed, Lily tried not to cry. Two faces were warring with each other in front of her. Or rather, in her mind. One shadowed, and half in the dark, the other a brilliant shining beacon. Sitting there alone, she admitted to herself what she hoped they would never know; she loved them. Both of them. The one who was at war with himself, always trying to find a way through, and the other, arrogant, but also funny, brilliant, and kind. She remembered the day she had seen him pick up the little first year that had been hexed, and had run her to Madam Pomfrey's office himself. He had sat there with the little girl until she was healed. And Sev, the boy who had comforted her when her sister refuted her, so compassionate.

She felt the tears roll down her cheeks, and she knew her heart was breaking in two.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay, so sorry about this being a really short and pointless chapter. I was banned from the computer, I'm sneaking it anyway. R&R please!**

Today was the day. James knew it as soon as he got up that morning. Today he would ask Lily why she was acting the way she was. He knew that she was into him (the kiss was a good hint), but what he didn't know was why she was avoiding him. As he got dressed, he realized that that could be excruciating. He had liked Lily since their first year, practically since the first day. And sometime since then and their sixth year, he had come to love her. So if she didn't want him…

He shook his head and tried to distract himself by talking to Sirius, who was already eyeing him as if he had grown a second head. He supposed he looked a bit crazy that morning.

***

_What was he doing?_ Lily thought as she walked to Charms. At breakfast he had eyed her like she was one of the goalposts in Quidditch, a game that she refused to admit had its merits (mostly because he played it; she tried not to like many things he liked).

She sat through most of the day in a daze, still fixated on James. It wasn't a problem; she was really good in her classes. Except in Divination when the old bat Greenfield, (who, please _god_, had to be close to retiring) had assumed she was in a vision trance and had questioned her about it.

She had turned an ugly shade of red and had heard, distinctly, James' snicker. Why did Greenfield have to pick this day to decide that Lily had enough time to herself and needed to be distracted?

It did make her feel a bit better to note that in the classes she had with James, he seemed to be preoccupied too. She couldn't imagine, as hard as she tried, _why _he was.

***

It was dinnertime, and he still hadn't spoken to her. He was thinking about how to get her alone when he felt a jab in his ribs. He looked up, startled.

"Are you listening _now_?" his friend Sirius said, impatiently.

"I dunno, maybe if you stop being a git," He elbowed Sirius back.

"Look, leave him alone," this time it was Lupin. "Maybe he's actually thinking about exams, unlike you."

Remus looked at him pityingly, but James knew it wasn't pity for getting hit by Sirius, it was pity for his distraction. Remus knew what it was, he was sure; he was the more sensitive of the group, at least to other's emotions. Pettigrew was the most sensitive to insults.

"Look, I just don't get why James is still slobbering over that obnoxious Rose." Sirius this time.

"Her name's Lily," James said, inflectionless. Maybe he didn't give Sirius enough credit. He obviously understood his best mate a lot better than James understood _her_.

"You have no tact, Sirius," Remus shook his head in mock disappointment.

Peter looked at all three of them, his eyes wide. "James, I thought she didn't like you!"

James sighed. Was _everyone_ better at this than him? "I dunno. I'm going to ask her tonight.

"Ouch," Sirius sympathized. Remus just nodded, in agreement with Sirius.

"Whatever Padfoot. Just 'cause you got a girl in every house…" he grinned weakly.

Sirius ignored the hit, sensing his friend was actually hurting. He just looked at James.

Suddenly, James noticed that Lily had stood up and was walking out of the Great Hall. He got up too, his body tensed with nerves. "Here goes nothing," he muttered under his breath, but whispering in his head, _here goes everything_.

His friends looked after him, hoping silently, with him, that Lily wouldn't let him down.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Here's the new chapter, written at midnight, thank you very much. I really like it and I hope you do too. I sort of slipped in a bit about the person we all love to hate, Snape. Review and tell me what you liked, what you hated, thanks for reading!**

Lily was walking down the halls, with no real destination, just the idea that she had to get away from the black eyes that had been boring into her back. Severus.

At dinner she had made the mistake of looking over her shoulder. Her thoughts had blown away from James, and onto another black-haired boy. He had been talking to his 'friends', the Death Eater wannabe's, and then suddenly looked up and into her eyes. Black met green, and Lily had almost drowned in them. Her need to help the boy with dark circles under his eyes, and the desperation in them had risen like the lion she wore on her robes.

After that she had been unable to eat. Severus had called her a mudblood last year, and even now she thought the word with disgust. She had forgiven him in her heart, but she wasn't ready to tell him. Or at least so she thought. But tonight, she had recognized the pained expression on his face. The same expression he had worn when she had refused to forgive him.

It had hurt, knowing that the one person she had trusted with her real self—the self that was a witch, the self that hurt over what Petunia had told her—that one person didn't really accept all of her.

But she had thought she could move on. What she didn't realize was that she loved him. She still found that a shock. Even after he had hurt her, she loved him.

These thoughts nagged at her, and harried her down the halls of Hogwarts.

***

James walked out of the hall with his worries and anxieties front and center in his mind. He almost missed the flash of red hair against black robes because of it. He rushed after it, after her, following down and up corridors, barely catching up with her, trying not to make a sound.

Finally, he saw her duck into an unused classroom. He ran to it, still on his toes and holding his breath. He leaned back against the wall outside next to the doorway and heard, to his surprise—more like shock—her sniffles. She was crying? He was confused and worried. Confused because he couldn't think what he would have done to make her cry, as it was usually his fault if her feelings were hurt, and worried because he didn't know whether or not she would want him to comfort her.

Finally he made his decision, and turned away from the wall and towards the door.

***

She looked up from her feet and saw James standing in the doorway. She was shocked. He stood there, looking at her warily, and something else too. She could glimpse it in his eyes, in the set of his mouth. But she didn't know what it was, and it bothered her. Suddenly she was irritated, and she scraped the sleeve of her robe across her eyes. She didn't want him to see this small weakness.

He walked into the room slowly, checking her face for a reaction. Lily made sure that no emotion showed.

"Lily…"

"What, James?" She demanded, her voice tinted with anger.

"I'm sorry," and he gestured at the room. She took this to mean that he was sorry for stumbling upon her bawling her eyes out.

"It doesn't matter."

"Can I…can I ask why you were…crying?"

"No," she sighed. "I'd rather you didn't."

"Okay," he said amiably. "Then can I ask you a different question?"

She sighed again. He just wasn't going to leave her alone. "Fine."

"Why do you hate me?"

She jerked. "I—what?"

"Why do you hate me?"

"James, I don't hate you," she said, but when she saw his skeptic face, she continued. "Anymore. I used to, but now I don't. Before…" she trailed off.

"Before?" he prompted her. He felt as if his whole life rested on this one moment.

"You used to be so arrogant," she said suddenly. "But then…you changed. I don't know why, but you did. And now…you're not so bad." She attempted a weak smile at him.

He paused for a solid minute before speaking. "Sirius ran away. From his parents. They were putting so much pressure on him; he just…couldn't take it anymore. He came to my place. I don't mind at all, it just opened my eyes. How could anyone be so cruel to a 16 year old kid? How? Especially his parents…" he trailed off.

Lily looked at him in shock. "I…didn't know…"

He nodded. "Sirius didn't tell anyone. I think it really hurt him."

They sat together in silence for a while. And then Lily had to ask. "That's why you're not the way you were anymore?"

He looked into her deep green eyes. "There are a lot of reasons; the biggest is growing up, but yes. It was sort of…you know?"

"Yeah." And she realized she did know; she understood this part of him. For some reason this made her happy. She decided to think about it later.

"Can I ask you another question?" James asked slyly. She looked at him suspiciously before nodding.

"Do you like me?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Ok, I know, I know, it's incredibly short and I haven't updated for a while, sorry, sorry!**

"_Can I ask you another question?" James asked slyly. She looked at him suspiciously before nodding._

"_Do you like me?"_

***

Lily felt her jaw drop and her face go blank with shock. And James just sat there. Staring at her patiently. She didn't know that in truth, he was holding his breath, wishing he could take it back; she didn't know that it had taken six years for him to ask this question, or even get close enough to ask.

"O-of course," she stuttered. "You're a great friend." _If he thinks he's getting more out of me, he's nuts_, she thought.

James felt all his hopes drop. "Oh. Um, okay," then he summed up the famous Gryffindor courage. "I meant, do you…d'you like me….as more?"

She felt her breath catch. All of everything rested in this very moment. "I," she stopped, then continued with a rush, "do. I really like you, and I'm sorry, we can pretend I don't and then we can be friends again, and this won't get in the way…" she stopped when she saw the annoyed and angry look on his face.

Incredible! And he had thought she was so smart! She thought that he wanted to forget this. "You think, that I want to…what? Pretend you don't feel this way?"

She nodded her head timidly, her eyes wide.

"Lily Evans, I really like you too. To the point where I can't stop thinking about you. So, if you don't mind, I think I'm going to try to keep you feeling this way. Got it?"

Slowly, color rose in her cheeks. Her mouth opened a little with surprise, and happiness made her eyes shine.

And then she leaned forward and kissed him. And it was so much better than the first time.


	6. Chapter 6

_Dear Diary,_

_I am. Officially. The luckiest. Person. Ever._

_Sincerely, _

_Lily Evans_

_Dear Diary,_

_Sorry about that. I was completely unable to continue after that. So…James Potter. My current boyfriend. Wow. I feel like a different person than I was even a month ago. Last month I would have looked at these entries and pretty much laughed at myself. Love struck fool. Except…it doesn't seem stupid right now. I used to be level-headed and I used to hate him…Then I saw his good sides. Then I liked him. Now? I don't even know. It's not love. It can't be. It really CAN'T be that kind of thing. I mean, he's still James, even if he is the world's best kisser, and a (can't believe I'm saying this) nice, funny, interesting, guy. Love. Pssh. Can't be._

_Sincerely,_

_Lily Evans_

_Dear Diary,_

_Severus was talking to Malfoy in Hogsmeade today. It scares me. Malfoy is an affirmed Death Eater. What does that say for Severus? I haven't spoken to him. I admit. I'm making up excuses for it, but I still feel hurt when I think about it, like I've been kicked in the gut. I know that he's apologized, and I've forgiven him for the most part, but…he hurt me. Not so much the words, or really even the intent behind it, but just…I don't know. That he'd turn on me that quickly. I know that he was angry with James and Sirius, and that as a Slytherin, he hears those things all the time, but that he could throw them at me when he was angry at them. Like he felt that I wasn't his friend…I don't know. I guess I'm not making much sense, and I'm reading too much into it. I feel obsessed. Like every time I think of Him, I should think of other things, but it all keeps coming back to that. Never mind, I'll think of other things._

_James and I snuck out. I've actually just gotten back. We went up to the Astronomy tower. We had been at Hogsmeade…anyway, he knew I was preoccupied and he wanted me to feel better. I guess I should've been thankful, but I really kind of wanted to be alone. Turns out though, that talking to James does make me feel better. I'm glad I did, even if I was pretending to be worried about something else. Just because I (__love) __LIKE him, doesn't mean I want him to know about Severus. Actually, that's probably why._

_Sincerely, Lily_

_Dear Diary,_

_August again. James invited me to stay at his house for a week. Our parents agreed, and I'll stay with him the week before the last week of summer. His parents have a summer cottage in France near the shore, so he told me to prepare for lots of sun. Fair warning with my red skin._

_It amazes me how fast summer has gone by already. Everyday there's news about the war. It's started to feel closer, like the closer we get to graduating, the closer we get to the fighting. James told me about a secret group called the Order of the Phoenix that his father joined. It's a group Professor Dumbledore started; a resistance group. It spans from Dumbledore to McGonagall, to a few aurors that work with protection for the school. It gains new members everyday though, from every inch of Magical Britain. James said he plans to join when he graduates, to help fight. I didn't know what to say. I love him, it took long enough to admit it to myself, but now that I have it scares me._

_Forever, he said. I hope so. I decided to join too. It took me until just now to figure it out. I won't cower. Not anymore. I'm a mudblood and proud of it. I'm a Gryffindor. And according to him, the someday Mrs. Potter. (So he says, and I really hope he ASKS soon). I won't hide. _

_I just wonder if the Death Eaters we work against include old school friends… like Severus._

_Sincerely, _

_Lily_

**SOOOO SORRY. I got accepted into a program at a local theatre, and have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. ESPECIALLY since I was chosen as student director. EEP. Then school, and all those honors classes. Ugh. I'm going to update all my stories and try for regular additions, but I guess we'll just see.**

**Oh, and in case you hadn't guessed, there are timeline breaks between each entry.**


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